Support blog for all victims/survivors of sexual assault, molestation, incest, domestic violence and abusive relationships.

Any asks or submissions sent to us regarding false accusations will not be posted or responded to. This is a safe haven for people who have been through trauma and we want to avoid causing undue stress - doubt is not welcome here.

Trigger warning can (and should) be assumed for all content, please don't hesitate to ask if there's something specific you'd like tagged.

 

trick-ix asked
Hi, I recently read an article about a college official saying something about teaching women not to drink so they don't get raped, & the backlash he received for it. The comments were, of course, filled with people defending him for saying something that is "just common sense." Do you know of resources or stats or ideas that help with addressing people who so firmly believe that it's necessary to keep warning women about behaviors like drinking that "increase risk"? Thanks

rapeculturerealities:

That point of view is pretty common, unfortunately.  There are some scholarly articles located here that address common rape myths and victim blaming.

Here is another article that mentions how dangerous some misconceptions about rape can be, specifically perpetuation of the belief that a rapist will be some stranger in a dark alley.

Here is another list of rape myths and the truth, with facts.

One in Four provides some numbers and statistics for sexual assault as well.

Another thing to keep in mind is that not only do these lists of “safe” behaviors often mislead their audience about how and when sexual assault may occur, there is an implicit sense that someone else who is less informed might be raped and it would then, presumably, be their own fault for not knowing the proper behaviors or following them to the letter.  Worse still, it implies an attitude of “get her, not me” and incessant policing of women. 

This is unacceptable.  Enforcing laundry lists of rules and regulations for potential victims does nothing to address the rape culture that keeps not only allowing this kind of behavior but encouraging it, while simultaneously shaming survivors who speak out or seek justice.  

Living this way is like living in a house where the rafters are draped with live wires.  We might stoop to avoid them all we want, avoiding certain rooms or certain conditions, but until we fix the problem at the source, nothing will change and the danger will still remain.

If we insist on keeping our focus on what women can do to avoid rape, we imply that the power to prevent rape rests with them.  In reality, the only way to stop rape is to stop the rapist.

-Spider- 

Anonymous asked
I messaged you a few months ago about coping without seeing a therapist. I was wondering if there are any other men who wouldn't mind talking about how they cope with it.

Followers, especially male victims/survivors, any advice?

-L

Men’s violence against women is a choice … by all men, everywhere

What is: Digital Rape

selfcareafterrape:

Digital rape refers to the nonconsensual penetration with fingers. It is also sometimes used for any non-penis forced penetration.

It’s often overlooked or downplayed because ‘the person doing it can’t get pleasure from it’ which ignores the fact that rape is not about sex, it is about power.

Digital rape is still trauma. It is not ‘lesser’ rape. It is not easier to cope with than having been through what society more traditionally views as rape.

sherlockedinstohess asked
Hey, in reply to that person asking about the rape survivor making rape jokes, I have actually dealt with that situation before, and while it may not go over well with the survivor, calling them out is definitely the best option. I have two friends, and myself, who are rape survivors and one of them was doing exactly that. I was really young so I don't remember much of my assault, so it didn't bother me much, thought I did know it was wrong. But the jokes gave my other friend nightmares (con't)

(con’t) about her assault. The point isn’t that her assault isn’t an issue or that her jokes are a way of coping; it’s that she doesn’t know who other survivors are/how her jokes are effecting them. She might feel like you are telling her that her assault isn’t as traumatic as it was; just make sure she knows that it’s not about her, it’s about others who experienced the same thing. If someone was constantly doing something to make her remember it, how would she feel? That’s how someone else is.

transmisogynykills:

"Some men feel that too much responsibility for preventing sexual assault has been put on their shoulders"

We’re telling you not to rape people and you think the bar’s never been higher

the-courage-to-heal:

The Water Torturer’s can assault his partner psychologically without even raising his voice. He tends to stay calm in arguments, using his own evenness as a weapon to push her over the edge. He often has a superior or contemptuous grin on his face, smug and self-assured. He uses a repertoire of aggressive conversational tactics at low volume, including sarcasm, derision—such as openly laughing at her—mimicking her voice, and cruel, cutting remarks. He tends to take things she has said and twist them beyond recognition to make her appear absurd, perhaps especially in front of other people. He gets to his partner through a slow but steady stream of low-level emotional assaults, and perhaps occasional shoves or other minor acts of violence that don’t generally cause visible injury but may do great psychological harm. He is relentless in his quiet derision and meanness.

The impact on the victim of all these subtle tactics is that either her blood temperature rises to a boil or she feels stupid and inferior, or some combination of the two. In an argument, she may end up yelling in frustration, leaving the room crying, or sinking into silence. The Water Torturer then says, "See, you’re the abusive one, not me. You’re the one who’s yelling and refusing to talk things out rationally. I wasn’t even raising my voice. It’s impossible to reason with you.”

The psychological effects of living with the Water Torturer can be severe. His tactics can be difficult to identify, so they sink in deeply. Women can find it difficult not to blame themselves for their reactions to what their partner does if they don’t even know what to call it. When someone slaps you in the face, you know you’ve been slapped. But when a woman feels psychologically assaulted, with little idea why, after an argument with The Water Torturer, she may turn her frustration inward. How do you seek support from a friend, for example, when you don’t know how to describe what is going wrong?

The Water Torturer tends to genuinely believe that there is nothing unusual about his behavior. When his partner starts to confront him with his abusiveness—which she usually does sooner or later—he looks at her as if she were crazy and says, "What the hell are you talking about? I’ve never done anything to you."

Friends and relatives who have witnessed the couple’s interactions may back him up. They shake their heads and say to each other, "I don’t know what goes on with her. She just explodes at him sometimes, and he’s so low-key."

Their children can develop the impression that Mom blows up over nothing. She herself may start to wonder if there is something psychologically wrong with her.

The Water Torturer is payback-oriented like most abusers, but he may hide it better. If he is physically abusive, his violence may take the form of cold-hearted slaps for your own good or to get you to wake up rather than explosive rage. His moves appear carefully thought out, and he rarely makes obvious mistakes—such as letting his abusiveness show in public—that could turn other people against him or get him in legal trouble.

If you are involved with a Water Torturer, you may struggle for years trying to figure out what is happening. You may feel that you overreact to his behavior and that he isn’t really so bad. But the effects of his control and contempt have crept up on you over the years. If you finally leave him, you may experience intense periods of delayed rage, as you become conscious of how quietly but deathly oppressive he was.

The central attitudes driving the Water Torturer are:

• You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing.

• I can easily convince other people that you’re the one who is messed up.

• As long as I’m calm, you can’t call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel.

• I know exactly how to get under your skin.

- Lundy Bancroft

the-courage-to-heal:


The Water Torturer’s can assault his partner psychologically without even raising his voice. He tends to stay calm in arguments, using his own evenness as a weapon to push her over the edge. He often has a superior or contemptuous grin on his face, smug and self-assured. He uses a repertoire of aggressive conversational tactics at low volume, including sarcasm, derision—such as openly laughing at her—mimicking her voice, and cruel, cutting remarks. He tends to take things she has said and twist them beyond recognition to make her appear absurd, perhaps especially in front of other people. He gets to his partner through a slow but steady stream of low-level emotional assaults, and perhaps occasional shoves or other minor acts of violence that don’t generally cause visible injury but may do great psychological harm. He is relentless in his quiet derision and meanness.

The impact on the victim of all these subtle tactics is that either her blood temperature rises to a boil or she feels stupid and inferior, or some combination of the two. In an argument, she may end up yelling in frustration, leaving the room crying, or sinking into silence. The Water Torturer then says, "See, you’re the abusive one, not me. You’re the one who’s yelling and refusing to talk things out rationally. I wasn’t even raising my voice. It’s impossible to reason with you.”

The psychological effects of living with the Water Torturer can be severe. His tactics can be difficult to identify, so they sink in deeply. Women can find it difficult not to blame themselves for their reactions to what their partner does if they don’t even know what to call it. When someone slaps you in the face, you know you’ve been slapped. But when a woman feels psychologically assaulted, with little idea why, after an argument with The Water Torturer, she may turn her frustration inward. How do you seek support from a friend, for example, when you don’t know how to describe what is going wrong?

The Water Torturer tends to genuinely believe that there is nothing unusual about his behavior. When his partner starts to confront him with his abusiveness—which she usually does sooner or later—he looks at her as if she were crazy and says, "What the hell are you talking about? I’ve never done anything to you."

Friends and relatives who have witnessed the couple’s interactions may back him up. They shake their heads and say to each other, "I don’t know what goes on with her. She just explodes at him sometimes, and he’s so low-key."

Their children can develop the impression that Mom blows up over nothing. She herself may start to wonder if there is something psychologically wrong with her.

The Water Torturer is payback-oriented like most abusers, but he may hide it better. If he is physically abusive, his violence may take the form of cold-hearted slaps for your own good or to get you to wake up rather than explosive rage. His moves appear carefully thought out, and he rarely makes obvious mistakes—such as letting his abusiveness show in public—that could turn other people against him or get him in legal trouble.

If you are involved with a Water Torturer, you may struggle for years trying to figure out what is happening. You may feel that you overreact to his behavior and that he isn’t really so bad. But the effects of his control and contempt have crept up on you over the years. If you finally leave him, you may experience intense periods of delayed rage, as you become conscious of how quietly but deathly oppressive he was.

The central attitudes driving the Water Torturer are:

• You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing.

• I can easily convince other people that you’re the one who is messed up.

• As long as I’m calm, you can’t call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel.

• I know exactly how to get under your skin.

- Lundy Bancroft

the-courage-to-heal:

The Water Torturer’s can assault his partner psychologically without even raising his voice. He tends to stay calm in arguments, using his own evenness as a weapon to push her over the edge. He often has a superior or contemptuous grin on his face, smug and self-assured. He uses a repertoire of aggressive conversational tactics at low volume, including sarcasm, derision—such as openly laughing at her—mimicking her voice, and cruel, cutting remarks. He tends to take things she has said and twist them beyond recognition to make her appear absurd, perhaps especially in front of other people. He gets to his partner through a slow but steady stream of low-level emotional assaults, and perhaps occasional shoves or other minor acts of violence that don’t generally cause visible injury but may do great psychological harm. He is relentless in his quiet derision and meanness.

The impact on the victim of all these subtle tactics is that either her blood temperature rises to a boil or she feels stupid and inferior, or some combination of the two. In an argument, she may end up yelling in frustration, leaving the room crying, or sinking into silence. The Water Torturer then says, "See, you’re the abusive one, not me. You’re the one who’s yelling and refusing to talk things out rationally. I wasn’t even raising my voice. It’s impossible to reason with you.”

The psychological effects of living with the Water Torturer can be severe. His tactics can be difficult to identify, so they sink in deeply. Women can find it difficult not to blame themselves for their reactions to what their partner does if they don’t even know what to call it. When someone slaps you in the face, you know you’ve been slapped. But when a woman feels psychologically assaulted, with little idea why, after an argument with The Water Torturer, she may turn her frustration inward. How do you seek support from a friend, for example, when you don’t know how to describe what is going wrong?

The Water Torturer tends to genuinely believe that there is nothing unusual about his behavior. When his partner starts to confront him with his abusiveness—which she usually does sooner or later—he looks at her as if she were crazy and says, "What the hell are you talking about? I’ve never done anything to you."

Friends and relatives who have witnessed the couple’s interactions may back him up. They shake their heads and say to each other, "I don’t know what goes on with her. She just explodes at him sometimes, and he’s so low-key."

Their children can develop the impression that Mom blows up over nothing. She herself may start to wonder if there is something psychologically wrong with her.

The Water Torturer is payback-oriented like most abusers, but he may hide it better. If he is physically abusive, his violence may take the form of cold-hearted slaps for your own good or to get you to wake up rather than explosive rage. His moves appear carefully thought out, and he rarely makes obvious mistakes—such as letting his abusiveness show in public—that could turn other people against him or get him in legal trouble.

If you are involved with a Water Torturer, you may struggle for years trying to figure out what is happening. You may feel that you overreact to his behavior and that he isn’t really so bad. But the effects of his control and contempt have crept up on you over the years. If you finally leave him, you may experience intense periods of delayed rage, as you become conscious of how quietly but deathly oppressive he was.

The central attitudes driving the Water Torturer are:

• You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing.

• I can easily convince other people that you’re the one who is messed up.

• As long as I’m calm, you can’t call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel.

• I know exactly how to get under your skin.

- Lundy Bancroft

the-courage-to-heal:


The Water Torturer’s can assault his partner psychologically without even raising his voice. He tends to stay calm in arguments, using his own evenness as a weapon to push her over the edge. He often has a superior or contemptuous grin on his face, smug and self-assured. He uses a repertoire of aggressive conversational tactics at low volume, including sarcasm, derision—such as openly laughing at her—mimicking her voice, and cruel, cutting remarks. He tends to take things she has said and twist them beyond recognition to make her appear absurd, perhaps especially in front of other people. He gets to his partner through a slow but steady stream of low-level emotional assaults, and perhaps occasional shoves or other minor acts of violence that don’t generally cause visible injury but may do great psychological harm. He is relentless in his quiet derision and meanness.

The impact on the victim of all these subtle tactics is that either her blood temperature rises to a boil or she feels stupid and inferior, or some combination of the two. In an argument, she may end up yelling in frustration, leaving the room crying, or sinking into silence. The Water Torturer then says, "See, you’re the abusive one, not me. You’re the one who’s yelling and refusing to talk things out rationally. I wasn’t even raising my voice. It’s impossible to reason with you.”

The psychological effects of living with the Water Torturer can be severe. His tactics can be difficult to identify, so they sink in deeply. Women can find it difficult not to blame themselves for their reactions to what their partner does if they don’t even know what to call it. When someone slaps you in the face, you know you’ve been slapped. But when a woman feels psychologically assaulted, with little idea why, after an argument with The Water Torturer, she may turn her frustration inward. How do you seek support from a friend, for example, when you don’t know how to describe what is going wrong?

The Water Torturer tends to genuinely believe that there is nothing unusual about his behavior. When his partner starts to confront him with his abusiveness—which she usually does sooner or later—he looks at her as if she were crazy and says, "What the hell are you talking about? I’ve never done anything to you."

Friends and relatives who have witnessed the couple’s interactions may back him up. They shake their heads and say to each other, "I don’t know what goes on with her. She just explodes at him sometimes, and he’s so low-key."

Their children can develop the impression that Mom blows up over nothing. She herself may start to wonder if there is something psychologically wrong with her.

The Water Torturer is payback-oriented like most abusers, but he may hide it better. If he is physically abusive, his violence may take the form of cold-hearted slaps for your own good or to get you to wake up rather than explosive rage. His moves appear carefully thought out, and he rarely makes obvious mistakes—such as letting his abusiveness show in public—that could turn other people against him or get him in legal trouble.

If you are involved with a Water Torturer, you may struggle for years trying to figure out what is happening. You may feel that you overreact to his behavior and that he isn’t really so bad. But the effects of his control and contempt have crept up on you over the years. If you finally leave him, you may experience intense periods of delayed rage, as you become conscious of how quietly but deathly oppressive he was.

The central attitudes driving the Water Torturer are:

• You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing.

• I can easily convince other people that you’re the one who is messed up.

• As long as I’m calm, you can’t call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel.

• I know exactly how to get under your skin.

- Lundy Bancroft